i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
