Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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