2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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