shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
