I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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