saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
