Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
