Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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