My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
