I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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