well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
