apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
