this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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