I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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