he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
