she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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