you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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