Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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