My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
