Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize