I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I need to stop coming to work sober
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
