i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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