You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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