I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
