I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
