battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
