.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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