Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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