guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
