my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
