she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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