You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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