I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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