I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
