Where did you get a picture of my penis
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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