your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
