so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
smell my finger.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
