Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
