Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
