you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
