i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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