Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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