whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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