I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
