Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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