I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
