I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
