My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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