You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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