I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize