i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
