He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
