i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
