I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
