i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
