I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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