Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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