The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
