I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
