You can't motorboat a personality
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
